tala @ so-phobic

Dead Hour Posts

Keeping Silent

People usually laugh in my face or react in disbelief when I tell them I’m really an introvert. They give me this asa ka pa (You wish!) expression. My classmates think I’m an extrovert because I speak out in class. I’m not afraid to address the teacher, or to voice out an opinion and/or complaint.

See, that’s the thing. They mistake my being opinionated (for some, translated to my biatchiness) for being social. So when I’m silent, people notice and assume that something is wrong. Most of the time they’re right. But of course I don’t tell them that. I used to make a lot of noise whenever something was awry. You do something I don’t like, you’re sure to hear from me. Or if I think the timing isn’t right for a confrontation, I write it down on my Harry Potter Diary.

Lately though, I’ve been having trouble expressing myself. I don’t remember how or when it started, but know, if something is amiss, I retreat and suddenly grow silent. I don’t think it’s escapism because eventhough I’m silent, I’m still thinking about it. Sometimes, when I’m really pissed off, I seethe with anger. Yes, it’s a bad habit, something not good for my psyche. I don’t know why I keep it in, why I don’t (can’t?) talk about it. Maybe because it’s exhausting to talk about it? Some things just happen repeatedly and I feel as if I’ve talked enough about this or that subject - love, school, parents, finances, assholes I meet everyday, you name it! So I just retreat into my shell and keep silent.

***

Fleeting Thoughts

My hands can’t keep up with my brain. I think of a half-dozen things I want to write about, but by the time I finish posting about the first topic/idea, Ive forgotten the rest. Resolution: write keywords about the stuff I want to write and then look up the notes later on for blog encoding. I’ve thought of 4 ways to keep track of my thoughts.

1. My Palm. Use the Notepad app (or whatever it’s called) to write down keywords.
2. Post-Its. I have the smallest-sized one in my pencil case. It’s supposed to be for school announcements and SEPROJ1 (Software Projects 1) notes. Now it will serve another purpose.
3. The Press It plugin for WordPress. For interesting sites I’m browsing which I may want to write about. I can just save as draft.
4. My Webnotes. Check out this nifty site! I’ll always have it open in Firefox for quick note-taking. I can alt-tab when playing RO, or just add notes when I’m doing school stuff.

***

While I was link-hopping, I came across someone who encoded the contents of all her past diaries unto a web journal. I will edit this post later to include the link of that site. Gomen gomen. It’s somewhere in my Bookmarks but I’m a bit too tired to start searching for it. Anyway, her entries went back to 2nd grade! It got me thinking about all the diaries hidden in my secret trunk at home. Maybe I should embark on a similar project? Okay, maybe I won’t include all of my entries. OMFG, I remember writing everyday in those diaries, and about mundane things too! Most of the 1st grade entries were about seeing my crush in school and wanting to be one of the sisters in Little Women. It would certainly be time-consuming, but a fun and worthwhile project altogether I think. Maybe I’ll do it this summer.

***

I feel a bit better now. Why did I get peeved anyway?

Well, looking back, it was for a petty reason really. Do you ever get this feeling of being left behind? It’s like when people go somewhere, do something, or experience something and don’t tell you about it before they go there/do that something/experience that something. Or when you have this great idea and you share it with people, but before you can implement it, they already have - without you! I just felt like going to Geffen with the merchies was my idea, you know? And then suddenly, just because he had an elemental weapon, he’s in Geffen and I’m still at the sucky Goblin map. It’s sort of the same feeling when you get picked for a team last during gradeschool games like patintero or that entrance game I used to play. :sigh:

And then I got more peeved when I thought about the petty reason why I was pissed off in the first place. Argh! I’m going to bed.